I'm in Perfect Health... Except....

Sitting on a swiveling chair, I so casually said "My mom died this year," and I added "Unexpectedly" as if that explains everything.

The doctor glanced my way and, upon some mental calculation that I was not breaking apart, turned back to her computer. I can see her thinking... Okay. Mom's dead. Let's check that off our list.

I wanted to grab her sleeve, her sparkling white medical coat, her RUXINGX Smartwatch constipated with its information of her steps, her heart rate and her deep sleep patterns.

"No!!" I wanted to say. "It's not a box to check on MyChart that will spread out among states and doctor's offices.... blood pressure is good, weight is high, mother died, no allergies to drugs. "

"No, I beg you, this is important." I want to explain. "I haven't taken a breath since the end of June."

The doctor examines me. " Let me listen to your heart," she says, pulling out her stethoscope and squinting her eyes. She pats the examination table, "Hop up here."

Yes, an examination table, I think. That's what I need. Listen to my heart. It broke June 18th. It was in a slow decline for a week and then boom, broke, just listen!

I breathe deep, several times. She listens and nods accordingly, "Yes that's good!" she nods.

"No!!" I want to scream. "Don't you hear? Nothing! Nada. Empty heart. Didn’t you hear me?? My. Mom. Died.

I can't say this. My voice catches in my throat. My body betrays me and seizes up.

"OK then," she helps me off the table like I'm a tottering old woman.

"See you in six months!!" She cheerfully smiles. I am speechless. Really? 6 months? I'll be better? Six more months without my mom and you think I'll be fine.

I tuck the appointment card in my purse and hope.